sending a signal

The holiday season has more or less ended at this point. I’ve done my traveling and I’m super ready to head back to the West Coast. Since the end of November I’ve been trying to average 4 days a week at the gym and 2017 is going to be the year I finally, finally stick to my goals. It feels different this time and I have way more motivation. I’ve lost a little weight but my goal is to get healthier and to not feel like a giant tub of lard all the time, y’know?

I also need to not go months in between writing… when I finalize it, I’m also going to post my 2017 resolutions! This is more of a check-in to prove I’m still alive. I dropped off the bandwagon (again) before November and I’m through with it. This year is going to be all about me. I need to live my life before it’s gone.

moving right along

I’m still unhappy with most aspects of my life, but at least now I’m in the mindset for pushing change. I need to be.

I’m going to be moving at the end of September a little further south, but that’s fine. I have a lot of friends down here and will actually have a roommate so money woes will lessen (I hope). That’s where my brain is at lately. I’m all over the place.

I’m working on bulking up my Etsy store with bigger ticket items and selling off things I don’t need anymore for extra cash.

The workout train has crashed, but I am going to be getting a gym membership when I move, so that’ll be great. I don’t really feel like cosplaying since I’m so unhappy with my body. Hopefully by ALA I’ll be up and running again.

Small update.

and then a few months pass

I’m really bad at actually keeping up with blogging. I wasn’t exercising or eating properly so I didn’t feel the need to actually make posts. However, once I reached my all-time high weight I decided enough is enough.

On Monday, August 15, I decided to begin the Advocare 24-Day Challenge. I’ve done it before a few years ago and without exercise I managed to lose about 10 pounds–I didn’t even finish the program due to a vacation trip right in the middle of it. However, So far, this week I have already worked out four times and it’s only Friday. I have two more days that I can get in if I so choose and I’ve been counting calories on the FitBit app. I printed out the guidelines for the 24-Day Challenge along with a meal planning template that will help me manage what I want to eat in any given week. Visualizing what I want versus just mindlessly eating everything in sight is helping out a lot. I’ve had a lot more focus and stamina.

I also signed up for ClassPass, which I can’t wait for. I hope I actually go to these classes instead of just having fun looking through and signing up for everything and then canceling at the last second because I don’t feel up to it. Right now I’m signed up for two classes: Aromatherapy + Yoga as well as a Burlesque Dance class! I’m more excited for the second, but yeah. Both sound great. Also, when I work up more confidence and stamina, I’m going to do a Pole Dancing class. Awwwww, yeah.

Here’s my little check in to prove I’m still alive (to myself, since no one reads this I don’t think). I can’t wait to lose enough weight where all I do are bikini cosplays. One sweet day.

checking in

From the 16th until the 24th (weekdays only) I was working as a Set PA on a television show. It was a lot of walking, a lot of hard work, but I’m glad I put the time in since I made a lot of valuable contacts (even though I wouldn’t want to do it again). For those who aren’t familiar with my educational background, I went to college at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and graduated with a BA in English (Creative Writing) and a Film Studies Certificate. I completed the Film Studies Certificate in order to get into the Screenwriting classes. It was a lot of fun! I wish I double majored since I wound up almost completing the English major twice due to bad communication from the department. What’s in the past is in the past but the future is ahead of me—as corny as that sounds.

I was asked a lot last week what I ultimately wanted to do with my career. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to stick to one thing, preferring to wear all different hats. I jokingly call myself a “Jack of all Trades” but that statement is cliché. I don’t want to choose just one thing, so why should I? I sew, I write, I read, I love television, and I love making people laugh and be happy. My dream would be to write for cartoons and maybe even voice in them. I’d like to write a book that could possibly be adapted into a movie. I love to sing. I love attention. I love bettering myself. I’m very into karma and everything happening for a reason, so I let the cards fall where they should. I wish some things didn’t happen this year that did, but I’m trying to mourn and move forward.

My birthday is in less than a week and in exactly a week I’ll be starting voice acting classes! My diet/exercise has derailed this past week but I plan on returning to my more active state once all the hooplah dies down. I’ve also started preparing for Anime Expo, which isn’t going to be that difficult this year (thankfully). Katsucon almost killed me this year, so I’m taking it easy. I’ll post progress and updates before AX!

Have a great week! One of my top ships just became canon so… let’s say I’m riding the fumes. Happy Birthday to me!

in summation

I really shouldn’t overcommit on promises I know I’ll break.

No, not the promise to lose weight and finally get in shape… the promise of actually writing a journal entry once a week. I tend to bite off more than I can chew as well as have gleam-y hope-y eyes towards the future. I never tend to live in the now. That’s what’s gotten me here. I say, “I’ll just do that tomorrow…” and put off a chore I could’ve completed. I consistently have this problem but I’m trying to break free from this habit.

Pardon me while I’m in construction.

One method of placing myself more firmly “in the now” is meditation. A couple of weeks ago, I started casually meditating, once or twice a week using the Calm app on iOs. It’s been two weeks, give or take a couple of days, since I started and I’m already noticing a small change in my ability to focus on my body to loosen it up. As far as the app goes, you can choose your background image and noise feel that will run a currant underneath the calm, guided meditation. There’s a good deal in the app that’s free (which is what I’ve been doing); however, when I run out of that free content I feel like I may subscribe. We’ll see! I recommend the app, though.

Back to healthy eating and cosplay, I’ve been keeping up with the exercising. I’ve been working out about 3-4 times a week so far and I feel like I could amp it up a little bit. I’ve been alternating between using the little gym at my apartment complex and doing the Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred. I want to say that the 30-Day Shred kicks my ass way more than I do at the gym and I’m at the gym way longer. I, an idiot, bought the first level on Amazon Prime so I’d have it right on my TV but (as you can tell by the link) it’s also all up on YouTube. Go figure. That’s what I get for being so spontaneous and quick to buy. I’ve also been eating a lot healthier! The munchies get me every time, though. I have to make sure I’m full and stay full so I don’t binge eat once things get a bit relaxed.

On the cosplay front, I’m just planning for Anime Expo (which is over 4th of July weekend in Los Angeles). I have about three costumes planned, but I’m thinking I want to bring a fourth. I’ll have an outfit for promotional things (if they still happen), something from Fairy Tail, Love Live (x2, but one is closet-ish casual), and maybe im@s Cinderella Girls. I haven’t fully decided yet.

This upcoming week (well, until the 24th of May) I’m going to be crazy busy so I highly doubt I’ll remember to write anything. I’ll probably be sleepy and/or dead coming out the other side of it, so I figured I’d throw something together now to prove I’m still alive and doing this blog.

I hope anyone who actually spent time reading this has a wonderful day! May is one of my favorite months, only for lilacs! Also because it’s a close reminder that my birthday is coming up! The beginning of June! Exciting! I’m old. Well, not old. Older. Will be. I’m older now than when I wrote this. Ok, I could keep this going for a while but you get my point. Time is fleeting! So, I’m going to go read more of a nice book, meditate, get prepared for my upcoming week, and knock out some Etsy orders. My shop link is here!

a new beginning

Today I decided enough was enough. I saw the number 200 on the scale and knew that I was at my breaking point. This is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life and I’m not okay with it.

I want to feel comfortable in my skin and weighing this much currently is making me feel far from comfortable. I’ve been wearing my FitBit more to track my steps and my sleep and both have been quite abysmal. I hate wearing bulky things on my wrists, especially when I sleep, but this is for a good cause.

I’m going to start managing what I eat better as well as actively working out four times a week. I previously went to a personal trainer off and on for a couple of weeks, but I haven’t been able to afford seeing her since December. There is a little gym in my apartment complex that I have been underutilizing—that changed starting today.

Before I go into my workout today, I wanted to lay down a little back-story. Ever since I was a child, around the age of eight, I have been overweight. I like to joke and say that it began when the Internet was introduced, when I was eight years old, but I know I am entirely to blame for this happening. As a child I drink a lot of soda, ate a lot of carbohydrates, and barely moved from the computer chair. My world was online. Why do I need to go outside? Well, tiny Alicia, if you had actually gone outside when your parents suggested you should, you may not be in this current predicament. I am the youngest of five. Despite this, I do feel like I am an only child sometimes. Correction: I felt more like an only child when I was living at home and everybody else had already moved out. Now I’m closer with some of my siblings. I was closest to my mother, but unfortunately she passed away due to cancer in January. I’m still devastated and am trying to deal with the depression that blossomed as a result of my loss. I also experience high anxiety when it comes to money because I’m over-stretched and underpaid. So stress, bundled with depression and anxiety, isn’t really helping me get off the couch and make something productive of myself. No, I sit on the couch like a zombie watching Hulu for hours on end and binge munchie-eat as I relax the night away.

So hopefully the picture that I painted shows one of a girl in her mid-to-almost late 20s struggling financially and dealing with mental and physical hardships. My goal is to use this website to hold myself accountable and to create change.

Of course my aspirations are not just to make myself healthier, either. My late mother had issues with weight as well as type-2 diabetes. I don’t want to end up in that same boat—so there is (at least) that to look out for. However, my main reasons for attempting to lose weight are mostly vain and I accept that. I’m a cosplayer and a cosplayer’s appearance is important. It’s the name of the game—you want to look like a character and be believable as that character. I want that. I want to look good, be semi-popular (in the vein of more support) and show off my crafting/sewing skills. I can’t do that if everyone’s going to be so focused on my weight (even myself, me being focused on “being fat” is what stops me from doing what I love a lot of the time).

I’m also hoping that this website/blog allows me to write more. I love to write but I tend to not be able to shut my brain off when I need to due to the stress, depression, and anxiety—plus a regular workweek, plus social activities… it just wears you down. It’s kind of impossible, at least for me, to try and be creative with all of those other pressures weighing down on me.

I’m tired of not being good enough and I know I’m not alone. I know that there are a lot of cosplayers in the community that aren’t happy with the way that they look, unhappy with their skill, or unhappy with the community in general treating them poorly. (Side note: I’m not trying to attack the community or claim that I know more than I do. I am only aware of what I directly come to contact with—which would be through events/conventions, my friends, and general online browsing that leads to the current “it” story circulating my Facebook feed.)

People, especially that inner voice inside your head, can be mean. It’s time to break that cycle and take a step towards positive change.

What did I do at the gym today? I speed-walked a mile, did 3 reps of 20 leg presses (at 93lbs, if I can read the machine graph thing right), and 3 reps of a mid-row machine (at 46lbs, if I can once again read the machine graph thing right), and some free weights exercises in my apartment because I wanted to get away from the one other person in the apartment complex gym who kept trying to make eye contact with me (and I have 5lb weights up in my apartment). Now I’m going to shower and hopefully continue being productive today!

Next post will be about my starting “before” photos and measurements.

If anyone feels like donating to the cause (aka me), use this link: paypal.me/pizzaqueen