a new beginning

Today I decided enough was enough. I saw the number 200 on the scale and knew that I was at my breaking point. This is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life and I’m not okay with it.

I want to feel comfortable in my skin and weighing this much currently is making me feel far from comfortable. I’ve been wearing my FitBit more to track my steps and my sleep and both have been quite abysmal. I hate wearing bulky things on my wrists, especially when I sleep, but this is for a good cause.

I’m going to start managing what I eat better as well as actively working out four times a week. I previously went to a personal trainer off and on for a couple of weeks, but I haven’t been able to afford seeing her since December. There is a little gym in my apartment complex that I have been underutilizing—that changed starting today.

Before I go into my workout today, I wanted to lay down a little back-story. Ever since I was a child, around the age of eight, I have been overweight. I like to joke and say that it began when the Internet was introduced, when I was eight years old, but I know I am entirely to blame for this happening. As a child I drink a lot of soda, ate a lot of carbohydrates, and barely moved from the computer chair. My world was online. Why do I need to go outside? Well, tiny Alicia, if you had actually gone outside when your parents suggested you should, you may not be in this current predicament. I am the youngest of five. Despite this, I do feel like I am an only child sometimes. Correction: I felt more like an only child when I was living at home and everybody else had already moved out. Now I’m closer with some of my siblings. I was closest to my mother, but unfortunately she passed away due to cancer in January. I’m still devastated and am trying to deal with the depression that blossomed as a result of my loss. I also experience high anxiety when it comes to money because I’m over-stretched and underpaid. So stress, bundled with depression and anxiety, isn’t really helping me get off the couch and make something productive of myself. No, I sit on the couch like a zombie watching Hulu for hours on end and binge munchie-eat as I relax the night away.

So hopefully the picture that I painted shows one of a girl in her mid-to-almost late 20s struggling financially and dealing with mental and physical hardships. My goal is to use this website to hold myself accountable and to create change.

Of course my aspirations are not just to make myself healthier, either. My late mother had issues with weight as well as type-2 diabetes. I don’t want to end up in that same boat—so there is (at least) that to look out for. However, my main reasons for attempting to lose weight are mostly vain and I accept that. I’m a cosplayer and a cosplayer’s appearance is important. It’s the name of the game—you want to look like a character and be believable as that character. I want that. I want to look good, be semi-popular (in the vein of more support) and show off my crafting/sewing skills. I can’t do that if everyone’s going to be so focused on my weight (even myself, me being focused on “being fat” is what stops me from doing what I love a lot of the time).

I’m also hoping that this website/blog allows me to write more. I love to write but I tend to not be able to shut my brain off when I need to due to the stress, depression, and anxiety—plus a regular workweek, plus social activities… it just wears you down. It’s kind of impossible, at least for me, to try and be creative with all of those other pressures weighing down on me.

I’m tired of not being good enough and I know I’m not alone. I know that there are a lot of cosplayers in the community that aren’t happy with the way that they look, unhappy with their skill, or unhappy with the community in general treating them poorly. (Side note: I’m not trying to attack the community or claim that I know more than I do. I am only aware of what I directly come to contact with—which would be through events/conventions, my friends, and general online browsing that leads to the current “it” story circulating my Facebook feed.)

People, especially that inner voice inside your head, can be mean. It’s time to break that cycle and take a step towards positive change.

What did I do at the gym today? I speed-walked a mile, did 3 reps of 20 leg presses (at 93lbs, if I can read the machine graph thing right), and 3 reps of a mid-row machine (at 46lbs, if I can once again read the machine graph thing right), and some free weights exercises in my apartment because I wanted to get away from the one other person in the apartment complex gym who kept trying to make eye contact with me (and I have 5lb weights up in my apartment). Now I’m going to shower and hopefully continue being productive today!

Next post will be about my starting “before” photos and measurements.

If anyone feels like donating to the cause (aka me), use this link: paypal.me/pizzaqueen